Kozwell Online: May 2009

May Ends

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in California, Energy Independence, Governor, Green Energy, Hollywood, Laser, Laser System, Liquify, Military, Power Souce, Super Laser, Weapon |

Frickin Laser Beams

Welcome to sunny San Francisco, where a US weapons lab unveiled a super laser on Friday that has the power to burn as hot as a star.

The National Ignition Facility's main purpose is to be used as a tool to gauge the safety and reliability of the US nuclear weapons arsenal, but some scientists believe that it could provide a breakthrough in safe fusion power. The NIF aka "Super Laser", is the worlds highest energy laser system and is located in the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory located just outside of San Francisco.

All the equipment connected to its house sized sphere can focus a total of 192 laser beams on a single point, creating temperatures that would exist at the core of a star or giant planet. This will allow the NIF to create conditions and conduct experiments that were never before possible on Earth.

Some scientists believe that the electricity that is created from the fusion reaction of the device, is similar to what takes place in the sun. Lab officials think this will help satisfy humanity's growing demand for green energy.

The NIF director Edward Moses said, "This is the long-sought goal of 'energy gain' that has been the goal of fusion researchers for more than half a century. NIF's success will be a scientific breakthrough of historic significance; the first demonstration of fusion ignition in a laboratory setting, duplicating on Earth the processes that power the stars."

Former Actor and now current California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "We have invented the world's largest laser system. We can create the stars right here on earth. And I can see already my friends in Hollywood being very upset that their stuff that they show on the big screen is obsolete. We have the real stuff right here. This laser system is an incredible success not just for California, but for our country and our world."

It was created in a US weapons lab and with most military creations there is the side that this laser could be used as a potential weapon against our adversaries. Just think that you would be able to liquefy a person in mere seconds with temperature of 3677 degrees Celsius (that's 6651 degrees Fahrenheit or 3950 degrees Kelvin). At least the person would probably never feel the pain of such heat

Link:
Super Laser

Holiday Past

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in Accident, Bourbon, FBI, Gateway, German, Henry Gasiorowski, Hunting, Low Carb Diet, Memory Loss, Milk, Penis, Police, Robert Mueller, shot, Turkey, US Congress |

Cow's linked to Alcoholics

FBI Director Robert Mueller was before the United States Congress, humbly discussed the drug policy. Republican Steve Cohen, got him to admit that Marijuana has never actually killed anyone, but immediately followed with the "gateway drug excuse." He even used a unique analogy of drinking milk leads to drinking bourbon.

He's a Turkey

Meet Henry Gasiorowski, 60, from Greenwich, Conn. He was sitting behind a decoy turkey making sweet turkey loving calls, when he was shot in the arm and back.

The Sullivan County Sheriff's office is investigating the mishap between Henry and a hunting companion. Henry is recovering from the shotgun pellets, luckily none of the wounds were life threatening

No Carb, No Brain

Researchers at Tufts University have discovered that dieters who eliminate most/all of the carbohydrates from their diet, scored lower on memory based tests based against those who reduced their caloric intake. the study lasted 3 weeks, were the subjects attended 5 memory-testing sessions during this time.

After a week of the carb restrictions, the low carb group had slower reaction times and faltered during visual-spatial memory. The brain uses glucose as fuel and nerve cells use glucose for immediate fuel. If both aren't able to access the fuel source, you are left with a feeling of forgetful or unable to concentrate.

Safety Off + Pants = Men Cringing Everywhere

Meet Lukas Neuhardt, 27, of Saarbruecken, Germany. This wanna be gangster decided to put a half cocked gun into his pants trying to impress his friends. The moron forgot to enable the safety and of course the gun went off.

This smart thinking genius told paramedics that a masked mugger had shot him in the crotch in a robbery gone wrong. Luckily, police found a hole in his statement, when they noticed that his pants either sewed themselves back together or the bullet never went through the pants.

After surgeons had to stitch back together his manhood, he could be facing facing up to 3 years in jail for violating the new anti-gun laws in Germany.

"Instead there was a charred hole in his pocket so either it was the shot of the century or he did it himself," said a police source.

Links:
Milk's a Gateway
Hunting OOPS
Low Carbs, Low Brain
Shoots His Manhood

Thrashing Thursday

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in arrested, Baby, Bullet, Crystal Plantation, Ford, John Lucas, Leonard Dazet, Memphis, Outlaws, Samuel Lucas, Toilet Seat, Wal-Mart, Walter Lucas |

Wedding Day Anarchy

Meet the groom John Lucas, 53, his brother, Walter Lucas, 52, and his nephew Samuel Lucas, 19. All three were arrested at John's wedding for disturbing the peace. It all started because Samuel was in violation of the dress code at the reception hall.

The incident took place on Friday evening at the Crystal Plantation, when the officer working the wedding detail asked Samuel to pull up his pants to comply with the dress code. Samuel denied that his pants were low or even his underwear showing, but said that his belt was loose.

Now the reception hall has everyone in the wedding sign an agreement that they will comply with the dress code. Leonard Dazet the owner of the hall said, "All the kid had to do was pull up his pants."

This is when all the pieces fell into place for an unforgettable wedding. Walter decided to argue with the officer and told him to mind his own business. The officer was in the process of escorting out Walter, when he started to resist.

The groom, John, grabbed the officer's arm and tried to position himself between the officer and Walter. John even attempted to close the police car's trunk to prevent the officer from getting his handcuffs and yelling at the officer to free his brother.

By this time, the officer had called for back up, while Samuel stood outside the business patio screaming and yelling at the officer. All three were arrested for disturbing the peace. John also got charged with obstruction of police, while his brother Walter was charged with resisting an officer. This was only the 2nd time in 21 years that a groom has been arrested at the Crystal Plantation.

Dazet said, "You have in-laws and you have outlaws."

Shoplifter Uses Baby Defense Style

Welcome to Memphis, TN, where police are searching for a shoplifting suspect who used a baby against a security guard during an escape on Wednesday. The incident took place at a Wal-Mart early Wednesday morning.

Police say that the woman was caught shoplifting on camera. When fleeing, the woman hurled her 2 month old nephew at the security. She fled from the store into a blue Ford Escort, leaving the baby and her mother at the Wal-Mart. Officials say that the baby will be okay and the security guard weren't seriously injured.

Stray Bullet Shatters Toilet

Welcome to Boras, Sweden, where a District Court was deciding the fate of a 37 year old hunter from Ulricehamn. The man was hunting geese around Tolken Lake when he fired a shot at a bird and missed. The problem is that the missed shot traveled over a mile and shattered a couples toilet seat.

Luckily for the hunter, the District Court has cleared him of the charges. The bullet went in between a couple that were entertaining a guest outside of their Hokerum village cottage.

Links:
Memorable Wedding
She Hurls Baby
Toilet Seat Shooting

Rain's Like LSD

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in Air Force, Death, Discharged, Experts, Gay, Hero, Hypokalaemia, Lieutenant Colonel Victor J. Fehrenbach, MSNBC, Notre Dame, Oregon, Prison, Rachel Maddow, ROTC, sex, Soda, Swine Flu |

There Is No Sex In The Prison Control Room.

Welcome to Wilsonville, Oregon, where police have arrested a former prison guard, because he had sexual contact with a female inmate in the control room. Aaron MacKnight, 29, was arrested on a warrant for custodial sexual misconduct and official misconduct. He worked at the Coffee Creek Correctional Facility from August of 2006 until he "resigned" on January 2009.

Oregon State Police investigated allegations that in December of 2008, Macknight had some sexual healing with a inmate in between two housing units. according to the Department of Corrections, Inmates are not allowed into the room that controls the cell doors.

Death by Fizz

Well since the scare of Swine Flu has dwindled, its now time to get people freaked out again. Experts have now come out to let everyone know that drinking to much soda can cause fatal hear problems.

Soda has already been linked to obesity, tooth decay, diabetes, softening the bones, and mixing well with alcohol. Doctors think that they can now link it to hypokalaemia. Hypokalaemia is where the potassium levels in the blood fall to low levels. This can cause an irregular heartbeat, associated with heart attacks, and muscles can become paralyzed.

Researchers and Doctors think that the high sugar drinks and caffeine levels will cause the body to excrete too much potassium. Dr Moses Elisaf, of the University of Ioannina in Greece, said: “Excessive consumption can lead to a range of health problems, including irregular heartbeat and paralysis.

Doctor Goes Mining to Save Life

Meet Doctor Rob Carson from a rural hospital in Australia. He used a drill from the maintenance room to drill a hole into a patients head to relieve pressure on his brain after an injury.

Nicholas Rossi, got to celebrate his 13th birthday last week thankfully for his close escape. Rossi's parents credit the swift action of Dr. Carson for saving the boys life. The boy fell off his bike causing the swelling and pressure, Carson knew something was wrong when Nicholas started having spasms.

Dr. Carson did have a little help from Dr. David Wallace, who is a neurosurgeon that was on the phone giving advise through the procedures.

Grounded by Sexual Orientation

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Meet Lieutenant Colonel Victor J. Fehrenbach, he is a fighter weapons system operator and has been flying the F-15E Strike Eagle since 1998. He has flown the longest combat mission in his squadron's history. He was hand picked to fly sorties over the nations capitol, after September 11th.

The hero has accumulated over 30 awards and medals including nine air medals, one of them for heroism, as well as campaign medals for Kosovo, Afghanistan, and Iraq. He has since moved on to training over 300 new pilots out of Idaho. He is a good role model for attracting young men and women in the service of our country, but the Air Force is going to be discharge him from the service.

He hails from a Military family, his father was a retired Lt. Col. in the Air Force and his mother was an Air Force Nurse. He even earned a full scholarship to Notre Dame from the Air Force ROTC. The US government has spent $25 million in training and equipment to help Fehrenbach, but let the insanity begin.

He is set to be discharged for being gay. I can see discharging someone for being a danger to unit cohesion, or to morale, or to good order and discipline, but for being gay? Lt. Col. Fehrenbach appeared on MSNBC's Rachel Maddow show to try and appeal to remain in the service after serving honorably for 18 years.

Links:
Do Not Diddle Inmates
Soda Killer
He's A Doctor, Not A Driller
Yeah? Well Your Grounded Because Your Gay

Give A Tank

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in Angelo Mendez, Arizona, Assualt, Auction, Bacon, Child abuse, Father's Day, Fighter Jet, German, Jennifer McCoy, Jet, Panzer, Pappies, Richard Williams, Sedona, Tanks, UFO, Vidal Mendoza Sr. |

Panzer Pappies

German Dads are getting ready for Father's Day with a new trend dethroning the typical beer buying. Traditionally, droves of men would drink until they pass out at a local bar. Luckily, some fathers are getting the chance to drive Soviet-era T-55 tanks.

The German Father's Day is held on the public holiday of Ascension Day. Its a holiday that dates back to the 18th century known as Herrentag (gentleman's day). The annual event of drinking with mobs of rowdy men has long been criticized by feminists. Germany's Family Minister Ursula von der Leyen, a mother of seven, has urged fathers to spend the day playing with their kids & be rewarded with flowers and/or chocolates rather than booze.

Leave it the German travel agency TUI, to come up with the alcohol alternative tank driving lessons. The company wrote in a press release, "Tanks fascinate all boys, big and small. We offer trips in armored tanks, driving around Germany's biggest playground for men -- it's an ideal gift for Father's Day."

Dads will get a short and quick course on how to control the 14 ton death machine. Then they get 30 minutes of supervised rampaging through a practice field in Brandenberg. For an additional fee they will be allowed to plow the tank through an old car.

And you were thinking of a card... Just goes to show you who likes their dads a little more.

Bacon Snack To Get Fighter Jet

Richard Willams, 22, attended an auction, because his mother Diana was in charge of the catering. She promised him a free bacon sandwich, but ended up leaving with a L29 Delfin fighter jet used to train Russian pilots during the cold war.

The jet is from the 1960's, but is in working order and came with a full service history. Williams father Kevin, 50, a semi-retired antiques dealer had spotted the same plane a week before at a different auction, decided to leave the room rather than give into temptation.

Richard runs his own business restoring classic Mini's, just dove in and spent thousands on a boyhood dream. He said, "It’s every boy’s dream to own their very own fighter plane but I didn’t even know anything about the auction until 20 minutes before it was due to start. My mum was catering at the sale and rang me up telling me to pop down and get a bacon butty on the house. When I got there I grabbed the sandwich just as the bidding was starting. I was instantly smitten so before the hammer went down, impulse took over and I threw my hand up. My heart was thumping and adrenaline racing. It was a real thrill. My father has been to countless auctions so I remembered his advice. I had a sum in my head that I was not going to go above and I kept my nerve. I still cannot believe it when I open my window in the morning and see the plane sitting in the garden. I have to pinch myself. It’s not like I have money to burn, I just saw an opportunity and went for it. I hope it pays off in the long run.”

Sedona Cries Heard in Phoenix

An unidentified and mysterious UFO was floating all over Arizona on Monday. People initially suspected that it was a UFO, but as you got a closer look, it was evident that it wasn't a normal weather balloon or a space ship full of aliens.

Turns out the giant floating device was a NASA research balloon. The four thousand pound device is used to measure gamma ray emissions in high altitudes. The balloon was launched around 7:30 a.m. on Sunday morning from Fort Sumter, N.M., and landed around 9:00 p.m. around Kingman, AZ. NASA Officials say that the balloon floats around an altitude of 130,000 feet, and on a clear day can be seen for approximately 170 miles.

Jennifer McCoy runs the UFO Store in Sedona with her husband was told by another local resident about the object around 2 p.m. McCoy stated that the balloon stayed in one place for a while and was skeptical that people would take her seriously, when the UFO Store is reporting a UFO. McCoy describes the device as, "looked like the gigantic bubble from the Wizard of Oz.”

Right In The Eye.

Vidal Mendoza Sr., 34, of Bakersfield, California is accused of biting out an eye of his child and mutilating the other eye. To move further up the father of the year ranking, he left his apartment in a wheel chair and entered the backyard of a vacant home...to take an ax to his own legs.

Angelo Mendoza, 4, was left blind by the attack from his father. He told police, "My daddy ate my eyes." Doctors at Mercy Hospital said that its unknown if Angelo will regain vision in the right eye. Desirae Marie Bermudez, 23, the mother of Angelo, was not present at the time of attack. Probably due to the fact that there is a $15,000 warrant for her arrest, because she failed to complete a drug treatment program.

Both Vidal and Desirae were charged with being under the influence of PCP in 2006. A search warrant report said that Vidal was, "displaying symptoms of being under the influence of PCP."

Mendoza is being held on $1 Million in bail, has been charged with Mayhem, Torture, Child Cruelty, and Inflicting Injury to a Child. These charges if guilty would be added to the convictions for drugs, battery, check forgery, and a previous count of misdemeanor child endangerment.

Links:
Panzer Pappies
Bacon Turns Into Fighter Jet
UFO or NASA
Eye See What You Did There

Vitamin R

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in Camping, Carol Steiner, Chinese Sex Park, Cody Constantini, Counterfeit, Dance, Funny, hippies, Michael Harris, Money, outdoors, Police, School, Sex Education, Strippers, Taboo |

Stripper Spots Fakes

Lets all meet Michael Harris, 40, of New York. Harris decided to go traveling to peep-show parlor in Gotham City while carrying a load of counterfeit $10 bills. His night was going well until about 5 a.m., until an eagle eyed stripper spotted the fake bills and notified the manager.

Harris then tried to ditch the funny money and bolt from the establishment, but he was caught by the manager and held until police arrived on the scene. Investigators found some more of the fake cash in his boot. Police Investigators say that Harris entered the building with 28 counterfeit notes, which were made on a Ink Jet Printer.

Now the 3 time convict, Harris, was charged with 28 counts of criminal possession of a forged instrument (a felony), but was released after he posted $2500 in bail. His defense was the obvious excuse that he received the fake dough from a friend.

Now police haven't released pictures of the fictitious bills, but I believed they look like:

Chinese Sex Park

Welcome to Chongqing in China, where a new theme park is scheduled to open soon. Love Land Theme Park, is aiming to address taboos and improve sex education, but some of the residents of Chongqing see it as vulgar.

Now with the parks giant revolving sign could be the reason, but who wouldn't like a sign to be the scantly dressed lower half of the woman's body? Maybe the red color of the thong covering the lower half is driving people to think that it's inappropriate?

The Chinese Sex Park is based off another sex park in South Korea located in Jeju. The park Manager Lu Xiaoqing, says that the park is due to open in October and will improve sex education and help adults enjoy a harmonious sex life.

Inside the park, people will be able to view naked human sculptures, giant mock ups of genitals, an exhibition on the history of sex, and an exhibition of sexual practices in other countries. The Park is also going to be offering sex technique workshops and advice on anti-Aids measures.

Lu told the China Daily, ""Sex is a taboo subject in China but people really need to have more access to information about it. We are building the park for the good of the public. I have found that the majority of people support my idea, but I have to pay attention and not make the park look vulgar and nasty."

Hippies Return to Camping

With Summer approaching and the country knee-deep in recession and states looking at legalizing Marijuana to help with budget crisis, people are starting to scale back on their summer vacation plans. There is a new growth in travel industry, but not the expected cruises or theme parks. The Campgrounds are getting busy and reporting a surge in visitors who can't or don't want to spend the extra money on the hotel. Is it cheap or the reemergence of the typical family vacation?

With people changing their spending habits, its easy to see why some are forgoing the luxuries of full service hotels and expensive vacation trips, when nearby hippies are shelling out around $15 for a place that has access to electricity, toilets, and showers. The outdoors allows people to escape the daily news of businesses collapsing, people going homeless in droves, and rich people crying because they can make more money. Maybe the escape to the woods with a tent, good friends, food, and drinks is what people need.

Looking past the hippies, campgrounds have surged during times when the economy was tanking or tough. Camping has upgraded since the 60's and the changes to campers have made staying out in campsites easier. Just plan where you are going and just try to avoid the hippies and the vacation is sure to be a hit.

So You Think You Can Dance?

Lets meet Cody Costantini, 14, of Feasterville, PA., who has been barred from attending a public school dance. Nechaminy school officials tell Costantini that rules will prohibit him from attending the "District Social." Costantini is a Pennsylvania Cyber Charter School pupil and plans to attend Neshaminy High School next year, is not allowed to attend the end of year dance.

His denial is due to the fact he wasn't enrolled in a public school this year. This reason is a technicality of a District Policy. His great aunt Carol Steiner and representatives at the cyber

Constantini said, "I'm annoyed because I wanted to see all my friends. I miss them. It's kind of unfair, especially because I went there and I'm going back." Constantini lives across the street from Poquessing Middle School, which he attended in the past.

Steiner said, "I think it's mean. I can understand their concerns like political issues around cyber charter school though that the law granted him the right to participate in the extracurricular activities in the home district, if the charter school doesn't provide them. from the kids taking money from suburban schools, or worried about troublemakers. It's not open to the public, or other kids. They want to keep it close and neighborhood-oriented. But he's from the neighborhood and the school. He didn't leave on negative conditions."

Links
Stripper Spots Fakes
Chinese Sex Park
Camping Comeback
No Footloose

John Mayer Can Stop Waiting

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in Alandis Ford, Asshat, Cap Gun, Cheerios, Corpus Christi State School, Drug, Fail, FDA, Fight Club, Georgia, Hydroxycut, Mentally Disabled, Newton County, Police |

Dreams Shattered

Welcome to Newton County, Georgia, the home of the newest case of "Zero Tolerance" in public schools. This time the reaction might be too much for even today's tougher restrictions and over sensitive society.

Meet 10 yr old Alandis Ford, who was arrested, finger printed, and charged with terrorists acts and threats. All of this for a $5.95 cap gun that he brought to school. Now this gun doesn't look like a Glock or Smith & Wesson. It looks like a toy cowboy six shooter that the kid was learning about in 5th grade history class. Which is why he took it to school.

His mother Tasha Ford said, "We got it from Wal-Mart for $5.96," Tosha Ford said, "in the toy section right next to the cowboy hats. That's what he wanted because it was just like the ones he was studying for the Civil War"

Newton County Sheriff's Deputies didn't arrest him at school, they waited until the boy got home. Alandis opened the door for the police and they searched through the house looking for the "Real Gun." Afterwards they booked and fingerprinted the kid.

Lt. Mark Mitchell said that Alandis had used the toy gun to threaten other kids on the school bus, so he was charged with possessing a weapon on school property and with terroristic acts and threats. The school bus driver didn't hear the "threats," so never confiscated the toy.

"A toy gun is a toy gun," Lt. Mitchell said, "to be played with and for kids to have fun with. But when kids use it the wrong way, just like anything, then it can be scary."

Ford said, "Someone heard that Alandis had a toy gun in his book bag and said, 'Oh, Alandis is going to bring a gun, he's going to shoot everybody.' Alandis was wrong, he should never have taken it to school. I told him that. And he's being punished. But also on the other side of the coin, I think it's a travesty what's happened to him.... For them to say that's he's made terroristic threats is just ridiculous. We've taken it and changed what 'terroristic threats' was meant to be for. And with children saying that 'he's got a gun, he's got a gun,' it's gotten blown out of proportion.... I don't think they handled it very well. I know it's their job, but I think they took it to the extreme."

The Director of Public Relations for the Newton County School System, Sherri Viniard, emailed a statement to a local news station that reads:

"Student safety is our primary concern, and although this was a toy gun, it is still a very serious offense and it is a violation of school rules. We will not tolerate weapons of any kind on school property."

When Alandis was asked what his dream job was when he grows up.... a police officer. Even after the events he still wants to be police officer. Its a shame the events unfolded this way.

Cheerios Fix

Drug addicts and fiends have been lining the aisles in stores for the newest legal "drug," as declared by the FDA. Cheerios has been around since 1951 and on May 12th the FDA decided to declare Cheerios a drug, based on the statement made on it's label.

Now Cheerios has been known as a gateway drug, leaving kids full after breakfast, helping adults low their cholesterol and providing fiber in peoples diets. Unfortunately the side effects are cravings for Frosted Flakes, Count Chocula, or Capt'N Crunch.

The sad part is that the FDA has decided to classify a cereal as a drug, rather than find out what actual ingredient in Hydroxycut is causing liver damage (since most ingredients are found in other "diet" drugs).

"Based on claims made on your product's label, we have determined that your Cheerios Toasted Whole Grain Oat Cereal is promoted for conditions that cause it to be a drug," the FDA said in a letter to General Mills which was posted on the federal agency's website Tuesday.

Cheerios (the best selling cereal in the US) has used clinical studies to back up claims that eating the cereal can help lower bad cholesterol, a risk factor for coronary heart disease, by four per cent in six weeks.

"Because of these intended uses, the product is a drug," the FDA concluded in its letter. This means that General Mills may not legally market Cheerios unless it applies for approval as a new drug or changes the way it labels the small, doughnut-shaped cereal, the FDA said.

General Mills stood by its claims, even citing that the health claim was FDA approved 12 years ago...OOPS. The FDA is really upset with the design of packaging and their website. General Mills said, "We look forward to discussing this with FDA and to reaching a resolution."

Cripple Fight!!

Welcome to Corpus Christi, Texas, the newest location of major douchebaggery. Two students that go to the Corpus Christi State School, were video taped by an employee fighting, while a 3rd kicked them when they were on the ground.

Now this wasn't just an ordinary fight between students. Luckily for the mentally disabled students, employees scheduled fights for them and recorded them on cell phones. Police were able to obtain 16 videos between 2007 through 2009 with the fights recorded with cheering in the background.

Timothy Dixon, 31, douche bag extraordinaire and former employee is accused of filming the "fight clubs" on his cell phone. There are 11 asshats (former employees) that are charged with organizing the bouts.

Bob Hilliard, an attorney for a former resident of the school said, “The video is clear at how poorly people can treat the disabled.”

Links:
Police Fail
Fiber Lines
Fight Club @ School

Obamazona

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in Atlantis, Australia, Emergency Service, Endeavour, Fail, Hubble, Manny Ramirez, Murder, NASA, PetsMart, Sensitive, Steroids |

Space The Final Dumping Ground

Captain's Log, Star Date 5132009.430. The Space Shuttle Atlantis is in danger as it attempts to repair the Hubble Space Telescope, with all the space garbage floating around. The problem with the junk is that its flying around the Earth at 20,000 mph (take that nascar..right turn), is that an object the size of a pea would shred right through the shuttle.

The crew is going to attempt to make some upgrades to the telescope in under one week. The new additions will include some new batteries, gyroscopes, and cameras. The reason for so much concern is that with all the pieces of broken and shattered satellites, the space crew can only detect pieces down to 2 inches.

Unfortunately, NASA has no plan at this time of cleaning up the debris, but I would say that since the Endeavour Shuttle is prepped and read in case of emergency, lets equip a space net and skim the outer gravitational rings (like a pool).

Australia Fails Warning System

What if there was a way to warn people about a tragic event, like a massive fire that wiped out homes, cars, pets, and wild creatures? Now ask the same question, but you know the answer is absolutely, and it could be used to interrupt radio and television broadcast, but ask yourself would you have used it?

A Victorian bushfire's royal commission has heard that the Standard Emergency Warning Signal can broadcast a siren and interrupt radio and TV signals with a message to warn listeners of an emergency. Yet, Authorities decided not to use the emergency service during a tragic brush fire known to many around the world as "Black Saturday."

The geniuses decided that the use of the system would desensitise people to the alarm. Not only did they not use the service, they didn't even bother an attempt to discuss using it during the lead up to "Black Saturday."

Now lets introduce Emergency Services Commissioner Bruce Esplin. When he was asked if the Emergency signal could have been used to warn communities of the fires, he responded with the intelligent answer of, "I'm not in a position to answer that question for each of the towns."

He followed up the comment with, "It's a balance between not overusing the ... sound and therefore desensitising the community to its importance and having a method which is as efficient ... as possible."

Unless authorities are firing off an emergency alarm system twice a day for 3 months straight, I think people would have paid attention... Especially if there was a message right after it say, "Take what you can and get the F out! Big Fire tearing through everything and anyone. Also, a firefighter will get to give water to a Koala from his water bottle for Epic Hero Picture."

Its hard to see failure at such a massive level. It's like watching Manny Ramirez get banned 50 games for steroids, after signing some ginormous contract... oh wait.

Groomer's Death Dog

Meet the Marczuk Family of Castle Rock, Colorado. They have filed a lawsuit against PetsMart, due to their 2 year old Yorkshire Terrier, Buddy, was killed during a grooming visit.

Buddy was apparently attacked by a store employees dog on April 12th. The murder took place 30 minutes after they dropped him off at the store. Police cited Crystal Marie Cruz for, "having a dangerous animal." Crystal's dog is a bulldog mastiff. She is expected in court on Weds for a misdemeanor.

Jessica White, spokeswoman for PetsMart said that Cruz herself had brought the dog in to be groomed that day, but can't discuss the case any further. The family wants to force PetsMart to change their polices, rather than sue the individual for having control of their animal.

Links:
Space Junk
Australian Alarm
Dog Groomer Incident

Schools Out

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in Alan Mulally, Apple, Boulder, Colorado, Cruisade, Fail, Ford, Ford Motor Company, iPod, Microsoft, Police, Red Robin, Squeegee, Twitter, Weed, Zune, Zune HD |

Squeegee FTW

Welcome to Boulder, Colorado, where a local Red Robin employee was washing the restaurant

Police Spokeswoman Sara Huntley said that the employee picked up his squeegee and told the would be robber, "You don’t have to do this. All I have is a little cash." The robber was spooked when a women came out of a nearby hotel. window's on Friday, when another man attempted to rob him with a knife. The man called police around 7:10 p.m. and told them a man walked up behind him holding a knife to his back demanding his wallet.

New Weed Hiding Spot

A police office was shocked on Monday, when they had to arrest a man for making threatening statements to officers. Originally, they were called out due to a disturbance. The man was in possession on some Xanax pills, but decided that it was better to hide the bag of weed in the patrol unit under the backseat.

Police confirmed that the Patrol car doesn't have a spot to hide your weed.

iPod Crusade

Microsoft has decided to take their war with the Apple to a whole new level. Microsoft has started to make strategic moves with a new ad campaign targeting the billions that Apple has made with people paying to fill their iPods. They plan to use the $15 Zune Pass music rental program.

Wes Moss will host the $15 Zune Pass program. Microsoft claims that users can enjoy more music on the $15.00 a month program and save thousands of dollars. It would take $30,000 to fill up a 120GB iPod, which is a good point in a tough economic state, but fails to disclose how long the "rentals" would last.

Microsoft is planning to have a flurry of Twitter buzz about a Zune-like product to be released in June. Microsoft has codenamed the project "Pink." Microsoft originally denied the rumors, but their own twitter page tells a different story. It's asks people to hold off buying a new iPhone for a new product to launch in June.

The product is believed to be the Zune HD, but knowing Microsoft it will be something that is wonky, designed awkwardly, and restrictive to use. Microsoft's Marketing team needs to come up with new "attacks" on Apple, because they do a bad job in selling the good points of any of their products.

Ford Flexes Some Muscle

Ford Motor Company is trying to rebuild its wealth to stay off U.S. aid. Ford announced that it will issue 300 million shares of common stock in a public offering. It even said that it will use some of the money for a Union-run medical trust.

According to Bloomberg data, the new shares will price today. Ford has 2.8 billion shares outstanding as of May 1st, so the new stock would be an increase of 11 percent and raise $1.8 billion based on Monday's closing price. The registration of the new stock is the first time that Ford has offered common shares directly to the public.

Chief Executive Officer Alan Mulally is taking advantage of shares that have more than tripled since March 4, when the second-biggest U.S. automaker announced a plan that pared debt by $9.9 billion. General Motors Corp. has lost 35 percent of its market value in that time.

“We continue to make strong progress on our transformation plan,” Mulally said in a statement yesterday. The offering is “another example of the fast, decisive action we are taking.”

Links:
Squeegee Supreme
You Don't Hide Your Weed In There
iPod Crusade
Ford Rebounds

Mother's Day

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in Bomb Squad, CNN, Hero, Hulu, Justin Timberlake, London Marathon, Mother Lovers, New York, Phil Packer, Pipe bomb, Prince Charles, Pygmies, SNL, Super Soldier |

Timberlake Revives SNL

Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg were able to recapture gold when they reunited with a sequel to the online hit, "Dick in A Box" video on Saturday Night. "Mother Lovers," starts with the duo leaving a jail with their boxes in hand, when they come up with a solution to a problem.

This is Justin Timberlake's 3rd time hosting SNL and some people are comparing him to Alec Baldwin, who continually appeared on the show and has had some of the best skits on Saturday Night Live. The new SNL digital short even included Susan Sarandon and Patricia Clarkson playing the Mother's that needed some loving.

Pipe Bomb Fail

A Bus Driver in Hempstead, New York, found two pipe bombs in her driveway on Friday and decided to place two pipe bombs in her empty school bus and attempt to deliver them to the police, rather than waiting for experts to arrive on site.

An unnamed source for the New York Times said that the woman wrapped the possible explosives in a blanket and tossed them into the bus and started driving to the nearest police station. While on the way she contact authorities to explain the situation, when she was told to pull over and wait for the Bomb Squad. Luckily the Bomb squad was able to take care of the bombs without incident, but her employer was upset with the woman's actions.

"It's unacceptable in every possible way," an Atlantic Express spokeswoman said. "She will not be driving for this company again."

Super Soldiers

Government troops were sodomising local pygmies in the eastern Democratic Republic of Congo back in March. The troops told regional rights groups that they believed they would gain supernatural powers for the acts.

The Human Rights League of the Great Lakes said, "Some soldiers from the 85th Brigade sodomised three male pygmies to gain supernatural powers and protection in Kisa village in Walikale territory. The village chief was stripped and (sodomised) in the presence of his wife, his children and daughter in-law. The children in turn were stripped and raped in front of their father."

The Human Rights league also went on to say that armed groups in the region would also abuse the pygmies. Unfortunately, there are no documented effects of what Supernatural powers are given by pygmies. I think they can cure the swine flu.

Soldier Told He'd Never Walk, Finishes Marathon

Meet Phil Packer, 36, a British soldier that was told last year that he would never walk again. Packer proved everyone wrong by completing the London Marathon 13 days after it started, while doing it on crutches. Packer's doctor would only allow the hero to walk 2 miles a day, but he competed to raise money for charity.

The finish line was surrounded by cheering soldiers and supporters, as an emotional Packer crossed the line. He defied the medical opinions after his lower spine was severely injured due to a rocket attack on his base in Basra, Iraq. He remained in the hospital for four months, when he decided to complete three challenges to attempt to raise $1.5 million for Help for Heroes.

The three challenges were to row the English Channel, complete the London Marathon, and climb El Captain. In February, he completed the first challenge. Next was the marathon, which he knocked out of the park. The 3rd is hoped to be completed next month in California. Packer remains just short of his goal of the $1.5 million by a mere $558,000 and still accepting donations.

Packer said, "It's looking after our injured servicemen. There's a lot of people that can't do this, so this is for them." Earlier in the week he said with an interview with CNN, "I wanted to be able to move on in life. I wanted to do something for other personnel who had been wounded. I don't want to be helped. I want to help other people. Not that I'm not grateful, but... you know... I really want to be able to help people."

British Prince Charles is a among people who have expressed support for Packer. On Packer's website, Prince Charles wrote, "You are, if I may say so, a credit to the Royal Military Police and to the British Army as a whole."

Links:

Mother Lover's

Bomb Disposal Fail

Super Soldier Serum

War Veteran turns Superhero

Saturday Showdown

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in Airman, Allen Guerin, Chris Smith, Father, Missiles, Murder, MySpace, Nestor Estifani, Nintendo Wii, sex, Student, teacher, violence, Year |

New Father's Application for Father of the Year
Let Me introduce you to Christopher Donnie Smith Sr., 41, of Lexington Park. On May 4th the sheriff's office learn that the man had assaulted his 13 year old son, by shoving the kid down the stairs. To propel himself as the number 1 contender for father of the year, he decided to punch his 16 yr old daughter in the face several time. He finished out his application with taking a handgun and aiming it at his wife and proceeded to tell her, "I'm gonna make you famous, I don't have nothing to lose."

What makes his application stand out is the propensity for violence and the fact his son was wearing leg braces at the time of the assault. This guy is such a winner.

Math Teach Learn the Answer to Pi
Meet Allen James Guerin, 28, from Haines City, Florida. Guerin was arrested for unlawful sexual activity with certains minors. Guerin is married and recently became a father.

Guerin developed a personal relation with a 16 yr old student that he met when coaching cross country, back in August of 2008. He kept contact with the girl via text messages and cell phones. The genius decided that posting about his new found love on his Myspace page was a good idea. He stepped up his game when he started getting physical in Jan.

A few days later of completing his conquest, he told the girl that his wife found out about their relationship, because of the MySpace page and that he had to end it. Then on Thursday, May 7th, the girl asked Guerin what to say about their intimate relationship and he replied with, " tell them it's not true, say nothing happened, and deny it."

Sheriff Grady Judd said, "I do not understand why highly educated school teachers continue to engage in sexual relationships with the students they are entrusted to teach, but I promise that we will continue to put those in jail who take advantage of our children."

Throwning Missiles at Cops
Justin Keith Campbell, 23, from Georgia is an airman for the United States. He was attempting to get a ride from an Okaloosa Sheriff's officer, by throwing rocks at the patrol car.

The deputy noted that he had to take evasive actions, so he wouldn't loose a windshield from Nolan Ryan. The airman was charged with throwing deadly missiles at an occupied car and criminal mischief.

Wii Solves Murder
Johnny Collins, 38, of Miami, Florida is set to be charged with the murder of 40 year old Nestor Estifani. Estifani had his throat slashed after a three-some took a wicked turn.

Police were able to life a fingerprint off the Nintendo Wii, which helped them identify the murder.

The murder was first reported when he was found by his boyfriend Dr. Cody Smith. Smith was returning from a business trip out of town. The house was ransacked, but Collins left the Nintendo Wii behind, which had another man's prints on it.

The man has a long history of robbery and drug convictions. During his questioning by police that he told them about the drinking, doing drugs, and sexual romp gone wrong.

He told police that Collins told him that he cut the man, "From ear to ear." Backing the story, police were able to confirm that the man-goo found on Estefani was matched to Collins.

Links:

Father of the Year

Math Teacher Fails

Missiles at Cops

CSI Wii

Tuesday Trifecta

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in Accident, Drunk, EMT, Fail, fight, Graham Brunson, Holiday Park, Investigator, Naples, Oompa-Loompa, Penis, Police, Spiderman |

Terrible Roadski Accident

A secretary was increasing her employer's productivity, when a freak accident took place. The employer was receiving an oral demonstration from his employee when a van that was in the process of backing up hit the couple in their parked car. The impact of the crash caused the 30 year old woman to bite off the man's penis.

The accident occurred in a Singapore park, where the couple would meet after work. Even better, the woman's husband had hired an private investigator to keeps tabs on her. The investigator actually called the ambulance after hearing the woman scream and noticed that her face was covered in blood.

He told local media reporters, "On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently. After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood.”

Television Characters Freak Out

Police were called to the Welcome Holiday Park in Dawlish, Devon after a massive fight broke out during a fancy dress party. Ten people were held after the clash occurred in the main club. An Oompa-Loompa, Spiderman, and Tinky Winky were kept in police cells over night. The police questioned the 3 on suspicion of violent disorder.

A staff member told the press, "It was rather comical in some ways because of the fancy dress costumes people were wearing. You don’t expect to see Teletubbie Tinky Winky and Spiderman in the middle of things like this."

He Fought The Law - FAIL

Welcome to Naples, Florida, where Graham Brunson, 21, was asked to leave a local bar and took things a little too far. Brunson thought that the best way to get back was to whip his penis out and pee right there at the bar. Unfortunately for Brunson, his brain stopped working when he decided to run from the police.

Police say that Brunson was causing a disturbance, yelling obscenities, and disturbing customers at the bar. Security asked him to leave, that's when his revenge plan went into effect.

Four police officers found Brunson hiding in bushed about a quarter mile from the bar. He tried to run again, but was tackled by Office Ian Rudnick. Brunson attempted to fight the officer, but Brunson's mugshot shows who really won the struggle.

After police were able to get Brunson into handcuffs he went limp and had to be carried into the squad car. While on the way to the hospital, Brunson was still resistant enough to spit blood on the EMT. Brunson was charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, resisting an officer with violence, and disorderly intoxication.

Links
Roadski No No
TV Icons
Criminal Bash

I Wish It Were A Fun Day

Posted by Kozwell | Posted in California, Dustin Carr, Everglades, Florida, Google, Land Rover, Mariemont Police, Miami, Outcast, PETA, Police, Sex Offender, Superhero |

Let me introduce you to Dustin Carr, 28, of Sycamore Township. He is a suspect in a police pursuit that injured an office, because he "thought it would be fun." Unlucky for police, he is on the run again, after escaping custody earlier today.

The original pursuit started when Office Doug Boland, 20, of Deer Park pulled over Carr's vehicle for suspicion of driving under the influence. While Boland was conducting a field sobriety test, that is when Carr allegedly took off on foot.

Boland chased down Carr and after a short while tackled him to the ground. During a scuffle, both men received minor injuries with Boland injuring his knee and Carr hitting his head and injuring his eye. Both men were taken to the hospital and Boland was treated and released.

Police returned to the hospital to take him straight to jail, but somehow after being treated he was able sneak out undiscovered. Police are going to charge him with OVI, Resisting arrest, and fleeing. He we be facing additional charges once the police catch Carr.

Sex Offender Isle

Traveling to Miami, Florida where there is a growing community of sex offenders that are "being forced" to live as outcasts because of Miami's strict sexual predator laws. The members say that the city ordinance prohibiting sex offenders from living within 2,500 feet of where children congregate. They say that there is nowhere to live except the airport, under causeways, or the Everglades.

Osvaldo Castillo, 29, was convicted of molesting a 6 yr old child says, "People call this place a camp, like it's pretty and fun. It's not fun at all. We are living like animals and trying to make the best of it."

Carlos Martin, was convicted of exposing himself to a 15 yr old, said "Now, we gotta be our own city and every attempt we've made to fight this has failed, so we have to make this work."

Back in 2006, there were seven convicted rapists and child molesters registered in Miami-Dade County living in tents and shacks under the Julia Tuttle Causeway. Now officials say that there are over 65 men and one women in the colony.

Everyday Superhero

A Mariemont police officer didn't have time to think, when a Land Rover headed towards him and a pack of Flying Pig marathon runners on Sunday morning. Keith Lewis, 37, jumped on the hood and then swung himself in to the passenger side of the vehicle. Another bystander pulled the emergency brake and Lewis shifted the car. The woman driving the Land Rover was having a seizure at the time of the incident.

Lewis has been a member of the Mariemont police department for the last four years. He said, "It was instincts, just pure instincts. I didn't have time to think about what was happening. My main thing was trying to stop the car before it went right through the crowd. It was just the adrenaline and trying to put in practice everything I've learned."

Lewis was just 3 hours into an extra traffic detail when the Land Rover came barreling down upon him at 10 miles per hour. The SUV was stopped just a one hundred feet from the intersection. Mariemont Police Chief Richard Hines said, "Lewis happened to be in the right place at the right time and did everything right. It could have been a very different outcome. But it's just one of those things where we have a happy ending, and I'm glad."

Google Going Green

Mountain View, California is the headquarters for Google, Inc. brought in a herd of goats to cut the grass, rather than running lawnmowers. Google went on to say that the goats weren't employees, but felt they were "entitled to a free organic lunch."

Google said that it wanted to make a "low-carbon" approach with the goats. They even said that cost of the goats was equal to using lawnmowers, but the goats were "a lot cuter to watch." Google is not the only company to use goats to graze the ground, Yahoo the other search engine also uses cute goats.

Amazingly PETA had to make a comment about the YouTube video clip saying that they had no problem with letting the goats eat some grass, but are concerned with how they were transported and whether they had enough shelter and water.

Links:

Sex Offender Isle

Man Stops Runaway Car

Google Goats

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